Out of my ass

Step aside, pretenders. The only predictions which will have any weight come June are found below in this post. Sit back and gaze into the crystal ball that is Bumf.


EASTERN CONFERENCE

Buffalo v. Long Island

Kudos to the Isles for making a valiant run at the post-season. Battling through injuries, ridicule, and the looming spectre of trading away their number 1 goalie whose contract will be up in a mere 14 years, the team defied the odds and became the biggest beneficiary yet of the Shoot-Out Era. However, unless the Dubinator goes down and their GM puts on the gear to win the day, this will get bloody.

SABRES IN 4


New Jersey v. Tampa Bay

Two of the most recent possessors of Lord Stanley set to battle in two of the biggest hockey markets in North America (the series will be featured in TO and Montreal on HNIC). Jersey's got the 'tender and the Bolts got the firepower, creating the makings of an epic clash the likes the world has not seen since ABC took "Full House" off regular rotation. The series will be tightly fought and the betting houses can be assured of only one constant -- both rinks will sit half-empty throughout.

DEVILS IN 7


Atlanta v. New York

The forgotten series. Atlanta surprised many with their stunning start and shocked even more by hanging on to capture the Southeast, the division which spawned the past two Stanley Cup champs. Meanwhile, the Blueshirts played under the radar during the entire regular season and did nothing but perform with consistency and character throughout. I like Shanahan and Jagr, and Henrik "the Squeegee Slasher" Lundqvist is one of the best young 'tenders in the league. But the Thrashers have Bob Hartley as a coach, and Bob Hartley cheats.

THRASHERS IN 6


Ottawa v. Pittsburgh

Not only does "Sens-Pens" have a nice ring to it, these are the two most exciting young teams in the league. Both feature high-flying, offensive-minded forwards, not to mention overacheiving defense, goalies with something to prove, and experienced coaching. Eventual Hart Trophy winner Sydney Crosby and most of his young bretheren will be experiencing the playoffs for the very first time while many on the Ottawa roster wish they had never had the pleasure to begin with. The pressures on the Sens.

SENATORS IN 7


WESTERN CONFERENCE

Detroit v. Calgary

Tighter than one might think. The Flames possess one of the most talented lineups in the league and revel in the role as underdogs. With Matthew Lombardi purportedly moving to the wing on the Langkow-Huselius unit, they now have a potent 2nd line to open behind Iggy & co. The Wings offense, meanwhile, is vulnerable to a hard-hitting forecheck and a disrespectful defense, and Hasek is going to suffer a nasty injury of some undisclosed variety. Coaching may be a factor, though Mike Babcock's claim to post-season fame so far is a combination of riding oversized goaltender pads to the final coupled with an awful first-round choke. Besides, as the Flames are facing far too many UFAs at the end of 2008, this might be the last time in a few years it could be conceivable to pick them for any success.

FLAMES IN 6


Anaheim v. Minnesota

It's Chris Pronger and a bevy of talent versus a hot backup 'tender and a record skewed by OTs and SOs. The playoffs are not the best format for a team to play for a tie; there are no more shoot-outs for 2 points, and the overtime is played 5-on-5. No contest here.

DUCKS IN 5


Vancouver v. Dallas

The Canucks are this year's version of last year's Flames; sensational goaltending, a couple of stars and a complete lack of offense. A goaltender can stop another team from winning, but he cannot win games on his own. Marty Turco has something to prove, and he has a very complete -- albeit underrated -- roster in front of him.

STARS IN 6


Nashville v. San Jose

When was the last time Joe Thornton led a team to win anything of importance?

PREDATORS IN 5


CONFERENCE SEMI-FINALS

Ottawa over Buffalo in 6

New Jersey over Atlanta in 5

Calgary over Anaheim in 7

Nashville over Dallas in 7


CONFERENCE FINALS

Ottawa over New Jersey in 7

Calgary over Nashville in 7


STANLEY CUP

Calgary over Ottawa in 5